Cristin Smith

Do you see how you are in a prison created by the beliefs and traditions of your society and culture and by the ideas, prejudices, attachments and fears of your past experiences? Wall upon wall surrounds your prison cell so that it seems almost impossible that you will ever break out and make contact with the richness of life and love and freedom that lies beyond your prison fortress. And yet the task, far from being impossible, is actually easy and delightful.

Anthony de Mello, Breaking Out of Prison from The Way to Love

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"The pieces were fragile and moving, fragments of a complex and monumental life".

Betrayal. Deceit. Abuse. 

Sometimes the first few chapters of our stories tell tales of terror instead of tranquility.

Somewhere along the way we awaken to find ourselves in the raw reality of our story.

Alert to bitterness, anger, rage, stubbornness, unforgiveness, fear, frailty, and confusion...

And we wonder when our fragmented souls will ever fuse back together again.

We wonder when those particles will function in unity and lead us to one day experience the fullness of beauty.

After the passing of the months and often times years we find our wonder washed away, and there we are, left with only our longing.

Our deep, deep longing to rest, to be reconciled, to be re-created.

"The pieces were fragile and moving, fragments of a complex and monumental life".

Its this space that we are most disoriented and dissatisfied. 

Distrustful of the process and most of all its purpose.

Ironically, it’s here and only here that we receive the invitation to dream.

To dream the true dreams that can actually quench the thirst of our deep longing and simultaneously converge with our distinct design.

It’s in looking forward, looking into the future, that we find our freedom.

It’s here that we get a glimpse of the monumental life that has been mysteriously hidden beneath the brokenness but yet is seeping through to the current chapter of this complex chronicle.

Its in this vision that we are once again filled with hope and propelled by faith to reach forward and take hold of that which is promised as our possession.

Forgiveness. Healing. Peace. Joy. Love. Vocation. Purpose. Pleasure.

"The pieces were fragile and moving, fragments of a complex and monumental life".

**Photo borrowed from Jesus Manuel Peraza of Communidad Ixoye

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Recently, while on a trip in the States, I was asked why I was on sabbatical. More specifically, this person wanted to know what I was resting from. I believe my answer was a quick and blunt, "from my life".

It seems that in these brief months of un-winding & un-doing my filter has been completely undone. It's not until the conversation has ended that I find myself in a state of reflection and in utter amazement (and sometimes embarrassment) of the words that so freely and subconsciously left my mouth. My spiritual director on the other hand finds this to be a mark of success; a verbal manifestation of vulnerability.

Nevertheless, I know this question of my sabbatical stay came from a place of sincerity. A place of genuine inquiry. And so, I went on to explain my purpose in engaging in this ancient practice. You'd think that as many times as I've been invited to share this part of my story I would have already constructed an eloquent elevator speech ready to give at a moment's notice. Instead, I find myself stumbling through the reasons leading up to this journey and trying to weave them together with a sound rationale; as if I am on the stand and in need of forming a defense!

"Why?" I ask myself. "Why is it that my body gets tense when I hear those words? Why is it that as soon as that question is asked I start to mentally construct a slide show and get ready to present? Why is that?"

One might assume that the reason is because those asking the question don’t understand this concept of sabbatical or Sabbath. That they are a people that do not know the Lord of the Sabbath, but in fact they do. They are people who know him quite well. A people just like myself who have known this Lord, this King, for quite some time and still do not know His ways.

For years I have struggled with the notion or rest. My first experiment with rest was with the discipline of Sabbath. The hardest thing that I spent years trying to do was to not work. Who would think something so inviting, such a beautiful gift, would be so hard to accept and then enjoy?! I spent well over a year just trying to lay down my tools. After, I was able to cease from the task and joy of working and creating I was able to intentionally partake in the activities that refueled and refreshed me mind, body, and soul. I think its important to note that one ought not be fooled by the word rest. It does not mean cease all activity and sit silently in a room and pray all day nor does not mean being chained to the confines of your cell. It is about intentional and active engagement with the people and in the things and places that bring you life.

Is rest not a gift of grace and not of merit? Is rest not an invitation to drink deeply and eat until satisfied? Is rest not a command to have life to the full?

As Christian Americans we pride ourselves in obediently observing the command to work, but some where along the line we’ve forsaken the command to rest. I believe this is because deeply embedded in our belief system is the falsehood that even rest has to be earned. A belief that doesn’t come from Christ but from our culture.

It reminds me of Paul's words to the roman church, words that I believe need to be heeded by us, the American church, as well. "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect".

This Divine idea of rest isn’t for a select few, but for everyone. Rest is...not just those that do physical labor, not just those who are professional churchmen or women, not just those serve the poorest of the poor, not just those type a-personalities, not just those who have served as cross-cultural workers, and is not just for those who are emotionally or spiritually burnt out.

It’s these faulty assumptions that deny us the permission we all need to rest.

It’s these lies that keep us from accepting the invitation and gift that our creator extends to us over and over again to rest. 

And he said to them, The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.

So then, there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God, for whoever has entered God's rest has also rested from his works as God did from his. Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

In being transformed by the renewing of our minds we must remember, we have already been given permission, Divine authority, to rest. And it is not only our God-given right, but also our responsibility. It is a practice that we are invited and instructed to make a permanent part of our lives, regardless of circumstance.

And so, as I rest on my Sabbath day I encourage you to do the same. Maybe today isn’t your Sabbath, and that’s ok. Maybe you don’t have one, choose one. And if you are anything like me it would do you good to define what your work is. Once you’ve determined what constitutes work, then you are free to engage in any of the activities or projects outside of that box that will contribute to the rest of your soul. Rest well.

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This song has been in my head for the last week or so...

I love this song. It reminds me of my cousin's wedding last year...beautiful memories of long-time friends and family singing these lyrics together and dancing the night away.

I basked in the sweetness of these moments remembered all the while feeling as though there was yet another reason this tune had mysteriously come to be the backdrop of my days.

Until today.

Today I found myself sitting on the patio at Starbucks (one of two here in the city) after spending the morning with @grupounidad.

Libro in one hand, cafe mocha in the other.

And there it was...on page thirty-seven of Henri Nouwen's The Return of the Prodigal Son.

Home is the center of my being where I can hear the voice that says, "you are my beloved (amada), on you my favor rests".

It's a spiritual reality that I belong to God with every part of my being, that God holds me safe in an eternal embrace, that I am indeed carved into the palms of God's hands and hidden in their shadows.

Looking back in recent years I've realized that since leaving my parent's house I've been subconsciously searching for "home". Truth be told even when I bought my first house I never fully felt like I was "home".

It was this felling that lead me to conclude that "home" must not be related to a specific place, but to specific people. And not just to any people, but a family.

It seems the scriptures do in fact confirm this to be true, but they do not start or stop there. You see, the very essence of home, and therefore belonging, is embedded in the divine personhood of the Father.

Interrupted by the loud sounds of the city my train of thought was detoured to the wise words I recently heard from @josaxton. "I didn’t know who I was because I didn’t know whose I was".

Home is the center of my being where I can hear the voice [of the Father] that says, "you are my beloved (amada), on you my favor rests".

The voice of the Father.

Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing...If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you...Abide in my love.

It seems that all my searching for home has been in vain. For home, cannot be found with a compass nor a map. Neither can it be purchased with dollars or signatures.

How silly I was to have spent so much energy on an external expedition for the very truth and treasure that all the while lay hidden inside of me, the temple.

Home is the temple where the spirit of the Lord dwells.

Home is in the presence of the Father.

Home is the center of my being where I can hear the voice [of the Father] that says, "you are my beloved (amada), on you my favor rests"...and I will bring forth fruit.

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It requires great courage to walk through the wilderness.

To journey through a place where you have surrendered the safety and security of your entire being to the elements that now surround you.

An environment that demands your control and consent before crossing its threshold.

Only then can we truly experience adventure.

Now I'm not speaking of the "let's reconnect with our primal instincts by bathing in the river and eating bark". No, that’s something different. That’s survivor.... not adventure.

Just as surviving is one way we can navigate through life, adventure is another.

Lawrence Kushner reminds us, "It is a way of being. A place that demands being open to the flow of life around (us)". Not an easy task. In fact, it’s a very dangerous one. To live in adventure requires us to lean into danger.

Danger, something that we as citizens of both the land of the free & of heaven have grown strangely adverse to.

It's here that we run the risk of being swallowed up by a giant fish, or being eaten alive by lions. A way of life where we gamble good days for extraordinary ones and put our hearts on the line.

It's in this place that the reality of becoming disenchanted with the insulatory life we've constructed for ourselves becomes more than a possibility, it becomes an absolute certainty.

This is what happens when we live in adventure. Danger sets in and we are presented with an invitation to precariously lean into that which is unfolding before our very eyes.

In both our culture and sub-culture we’ve been conditioned to think danger is bad and is to be avoided at all costs. It's true; danger can lead to suffering and sometimes death. However, the greatest minds throughout history will tell you that "death" is what brings forth life; and suffering that brings about transformation.

It's impossible to experience adventure without being in danger. We must enter into the wilderness or desert place. Its one of the only places (if not the only place) that clarity and illumination come forth like the stars glistening over the dunes. The desert is the place where new life incubates.

A space that’s unpredictable and uncontrollable. An expanse that affects not only the body, but also the soul. "A place that demands being honest with yourself without regard to the cost in personal anxiety. A place that demands being present with all of yourself" and therefore those around you.

In the wilderness an invitation is always extended. An invitation to courageously peer into the barren wasteland within. To sit long enough and wait late enough for the winds of anxiety to die down and listen for the distant hauling of the coyote.

If you can affix your ears you’ll hear the Spirit speak through the cries of the coyote.

These are the ways of walking in the wilderness. "You are left alone each day with an immediacy that astonishes, chastens and exults". And as a result "you see the world as if for the first time", you see yourself for the first time. "If we stay present to our discomfort, we will also feel something else arising—something more real, capable, sensitive, and exquisitely aware of ourselves, (others) and of our surroundings". *

You see the wilderness doesn’t lead us into silence and seclusion. The wilderness leads us into communication and connectedness. It echoes volumes in the chambers of our hearts leading us into deeper expressions of intimacy and adventure.

Quotes from Lawrence Kushner, The Wilderness Way

*Enneagram Institute

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Today is Miércoles de Ceniza (Ash Wednesday). It's the day that followers of Yeshua commence their journey into Cuaresma (Lent). A journey that fetters us to Jesus as His people and to the foundations of our faith.

Joan Chittister reminds us that "every year [the practice of] lent plunges us into the center of [our] faith, reminding us of who we are and who we must become". And so, on this very sacred day, we receive the sign of the cross brushed across our foreheads with ashes.

The ashes are placed on our forehead as a visible reminder of the effects of sin on all of humanity and our environment. A reminder that we live in a world that is not as it should be or even was intended to be. It is for this very reason that Jesus came. To undo what was done. To redeem what was lost. To make all things new. It is because of His sacrifice that we bear the emblem of the cross today.

And so it's with this somber tone that this season begins. A season of mourning and longing. "A passionate expression of grief and sorrow" for the injustices that we all endure. A time to reflect deeply on our own pain and that of our neighbors. A time to express remorse for the pain that comes to us and our fellow man (or woman) at our own hand. A time to turn back to the path we have strayed from or to go in search of a new path all together. I believe this is for these reasons that Thomas Keating calls this season, a time of "divine therapy". It's the season in the liturgical year that is the most weighty. Our hearts heavy and emotions high.

Every year just as Lent begins the nervousness makes its way into my veins. I start to feel the tension of what I'm stepping into. The space set aside for the acknowledgement of how deep my pain and the pain of my neighbors really is. How bruised I am from fumbling through this thing called life and how broken we all are.

I don't know what scares me more. Seeing what's revealed or feeling it. It's hard enough to see the pain and problems that keep us bound. Bound to unforgiveness, hatred, anger, security or fear. But it's a whole other thing to sit long enough to let it touch you. Being one who doesn't rank high on the empathy scales. I rarely have moments where I'm overcome with emotion at the pain someone else has to endure. The times I do experience this it’s almost unbearable.

And yet I must remember this season is set-aside for just that. For opening Pandora’s box and courageously looking and listening to everything that comes out. For facing and feeling the reality of a fallen and fractured world. And remembering in the midst of it all that "this too shall pass". This world will pass away and the day will come when everything is restored. Remembering that the act to undo was already done. Restoration is both here and yet to come. It's with that truth in mind that we look forward as we journey together through this season of "divine therapy".

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For the first time in my life I'm experiencing pure uncontaminated joy!

That's right. I've never (please permit my extremist language), that I can recall, experienced joy without intentionally contributing to its existence.

I'm so happy I can hardly stand it. If I had a happy dance I'd be doing it (picturing Dylan Hake doing his happy dance will have to suffice for now).

I had no idea that life could be lived outside of the rhythms of what Brené Brown calls "control and predict". My entire life has been lived that way. I identified what I wanted (or needed) and reverse engineered a plan to get me there. And 99% of the time it worked. So success was satisfying...because I earned it! But (pero) it turns out there's an entirely different way to live.

Frances Mayes writes that we are all foreigners who have landed here by grace. Now although I like the idea of that I would have to disagree. I think some of us have landed where we because we have "controlled and predicted" our way into our present reality. I know that to be true because that's exactly how I've survived and "succeeded" my way through the first 25 years of my life. Granted I've known another way existed, but I've never personally experienced it.

Now, at about two o'clock this afternoon it occurred to me that there are two ways we can navigate our way through life. The first being what I've already described. A life in control. The underpinning of this type of life is fear. Fear of failure and fear of the unknown.

The alternative is living a life in courage. This lifestyle is under girded by faith. Faith in the (few) certainties in this life. Love and relationships (listen to me...from shrewd business woman to a bohemian romantic-ha!). Now, the secret here is that you first have to be operating under the TRUE definition of love and not the midnight moonlight version you see on the silver screen. But you are going to have to figure out that one for yourself. Once you have figured that one out you'll come to realize all of life is inner-connected. We humans are knit together in a large web of relationships. We live life in relationship with ourselves, one another, our environment and lets not forget...the Divine.

To live the later requires us to first, stop controlling and predicting and second, to risk. People who live this life make a conscious decision each day, each moment to live a life exposed to the elements. To live a life defined by the word and practice I most feared. The infamous "V" word, vulnerability. And as it turns out I get to taste the sweetness of Mrs. Mayes' words afterall. For today I am a mere foreigner who has landed "here" by grace.

Connections come. Opportunities emerge. Resources are revealed. Friendships are made.

After returning home to my cell I still can't figure out which is better. The fact that I was the recipient of all of the beautiful gifts I received today or the fact that I didn't do (control, contribute, manipulate, or move) any of these "things" into existence.

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In just a few short days we will enter into the season known as Lent.

Lent was originally used in the English language to describe the season between winter and summer; the season we now refer to as spring. In German the word "lenz" was used, and to this day the Dutch use to word "lente".

In England the word lent came to be known not for the season but for the Christian observance that took place during that time. This communal pilgrimage is entered into with the global Church. A journey that ventures into the wilderness for forty days in an effort to be stirred up by suffering to the truth of who we are as the people of God and the reality in which we are called to live. 

As Joan Chittister puts it, "Lent is the call to renew a commitment grown dull, perhaps, by a life more marked by routine than by reflection". A time where the body is subservient to the spirit. It's a time where our view of self-care expands beyond material and physical desires to take into account the condition of the soul. 

"Steeped in the consciousness of the cross, the Christian goes again to the tomb of the heart"* and there must come to terms with the fear that has kept us from both obedience and abundance; as well as the great mystery that has been revealed to us through Christ and whether or not we actually believe it to be true. 

This process leads us back to the same place. We must once again choose to put our faith in Christ and in so doing opt to take hold of that which is really life. In so doing we are faced with yet another invitation.

This invitation is centered upon two inter-woven themes. Two themes that are not only central to lent and the Christian faith, but to life. They are sacrifice and suffering. Suffering knows no bounds, as everyone is a victim. Nietzsche reminds us, "to live is to suffer". So the question is posed to each of us during this Lenten season, "what will you suffer for"?

Jesus battled the religious leaders of his day "to bring the synagogue to the truth of its own tradition"* and it cost him his life. Dr. King fought for a "color blind society" among a country who sought to keep the scales of equality tipped to their advantage and he too paid the price of suffering with his life. Dorothy Day, journalist, activist, and anarchist gave her life to the poor and homeless until her heart finally gave out.

So again I pose the question, "what are you willing to suffer for"?

During Cuaresma (the Spanish word for Lent, derived from cuarenta, the number 40) I will be removing some of the physical barriers that smother me from spiritual sight as well as refraining from and partaking in particular practices that will aid me in cultivating a deeper attentiveness to the Spirit during the next 40 days. 

These items are to include:

1. The abstinence from meat, dairy, sweets, and alcohol. In exchange I will be observing a very strict meat-free Paleo palette for the purposes of detoxification, purification and identification with my neighbors who do not have access (financially or otherwise) to meat as a part of their diet.

2. Cataloging my experiences in written or pictorial form by way of journaling or blogging every day to create a space for contemplation.

3. Engaging in intense physical exercise four days a week for the purpose of achieving health, building endurance and cultivating rhythms that contribute to mental and spiritual wellness.

This season of Lent comes at a very crucial time in my life. A time in my life where the Spirit has brought me into a liminal space to bring forth an answer to this very question. What will you spend the rest of your life suffering for? Echoes of this destiny have come forth through time spent sitting in silently in my cell as well as the crucial conversations with members of my community. It was the yearning for this answer that I came to México and it’s with the same longing that I will enter into Cuaresma.

*Neil Krug, desert photo

*Joan Chittister, quote taken from "The Liturgical Year"

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Holy Spirit, Truth divine,

Dawn upon this soul of mine;

Word of God and inward light,

Wake my spirit, clear my sight.

Holy Spirit, Love divine,

Glow within this heart of mine;

Kindle every high desire;

Perish self in your pure fire.

Holy Spirit, Power divine,

Fill and nerve this will of mine;

Grant that I may strongly live,

Bravely bare, and nobly strive.

Holy Spirit, Right divine,

King within my conscience reign;

Be my Lord, and I shall be

Firmly bound, forever free.

Hymn by Samuel Longfellow

Photo by Neil Krug

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Those of you who know me and read my blog know that I spend a lot of time swimming in the deep end of the pool. You know that I spend a lot of time talking about the false self, the old man (or maiden in this case) that has been crucified with Christ. And of course the entanglements of falling prey to the old nature and choosing bondage over freedom. But, tonight I think I'm going to take a dip in the shallow end for a change.

Today has been and will continue to be (until midnight) the most difficult of all (31 of) my days here in Tijuana. First, because Thursdays are my deadline days and its twelve minutes to nine and I still have about 75% of it to complete. That is not like me, but I'm living in a culture where relationships trump tasks 100% of the time. I don't want to give you the wrong idea Mexicans aren’t lazy they are actually very hard working but the pace of life here revolves around lives not work. Not at all the system in America or my system for that matter. So, by choosing to deny the ways of my old self and my own cultural values I was in turn able to honor the people of my host country and the way of Jesus.

With that as a backdrop I started my day at seven am this morning. Every morning I am up at seven (I know, a complete departure from my old self) and head out with Stephanie to meet up with our neighbors to do laps around the baseball field in the next Colonia. After an hour or so we returned and I spent the day completing the 25% of my work I mentioned earlier. Breaking for meals and a little catnap we then headed out to the community center for Zumba! I know, right?! Two white girls going to Zumba class in México. It was just as you would expect. We were off beat, slow, uncoordinated, and soon out of breathe!

And this is the tragic part. There are things the old self use to be able to do! I have never been more aware than tonight of what I use to be capable of. I use to be able to dance...and well. I use to speak Spanish...confidently, quickly, and correctly. Now, I stand there when people speak to me. Silent, nodding my head as if to affirm that I understand what they are saying (thinking that this will buy me time to go through my mental word bank, pull out the proper verbs, conjugate them, and construct and eloquent sentence using the right vocabulary). Nope, doesn't happen.

By the time the music began and I saw my reflection in the mirror all I could think was, "where o' where has the old self gone?" and "why o' why did you have to take my moves with you"? It's a difficult thing to come to terms with the way things use to be. It's even more difficult to imagine that He is doing a new thing and that's all things will be made new. It's hard to imagine that one day I'll find a way to honor relationships and get my work done in a timely manner. It's difficult to imagine that one day I will be able to speak Spanish again...and better than I did before. To imagine that sometime (in the distant future) and after many, many lessons I'll be able to give Andrew Foster a run for his money on the dance floor. But, I have faith that that time will come.... eventually!

Sarah Shreves, this video is for you. Come visit me again soon.

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In case you were wondering what happened with confidence-killing concoction here's the rest of the story.... it turned out AMAZING! I couldn't believe it. Everything was cooked to perfection, had the best flavor and was this gorgeous pumpkin color. It turned out so well that I went up to my room to grab a pen and paper to write down the recipe so I can make it again some day.

I'm also cataloging it here so that when you see Paula Dean or Martha Stuart making it live on one of their shows you'll know where they got it from. Yes, yes, pride may well be another one of my threads, but it's a bit too late to begin delving into that one right now. Enjoy!

Harvest Moon Stew (*Paleo perfection)

Ingredients:

3-4 frozen chicken breasts (wash & toss)

1/2 head of cabbage (slice into thin strips)

6-9 small carrots (peel and cube)

1/2 clove of garlic (finely chopped)

1 medium sized white onion (diced)

1 head of cauliflower (cut stems and pull apart)

4-5 small Mexican squash (cube)

3 large sweet potatoes (cube)

Rosemary, salt, and pepper

Instructions:

1. Place chicken breasts in the bottom of the pot along with half of the diced onion, and garlic.

2. Add salt (little of sea salt), pepper, and rosemary.

3. Add cubed carrots and fill 1/3-1/2 of the pot with water.

4. Turn crock-pot on high and let cook for one hour.

5. Return and add the other half of the diced onion, along with more rosemary and pepper.

6. Toss in the sweet potatoes, cauliflower, squash, and add more water if needed.

7. Let cook on high for 3-4 more hours then turn dial to keep warm while you serve!

*If you are curious about Paleo or want to get started or find some get recipes then you'll want to visit these sites. What is Paleo? http://www.primal-palate.com/p/about-paleo-diet.html Help, I need recipes! http://www.primal-palate.com/p/recipes.html

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This afternoon I made a quick trip to the market and then returned home to begin preparing dinner. After remaking Nicole’s famous chicken salsa into a delicious and authentic Mexican chicken stew earlier this week I felt confident that I could whip up another chicken soup creation with the ingredients that I was beginning to unpack.

Laid out on the kitchen counter was the following: chicken breasts, onions, garlic, sweet potatoes, Mexican squash, a head of cabbage and cauliflower, a bag of carrots. After thirty minutes of slicing and dicing everything was ready to go. The dial on the crock-pot was set on high, as was my self-confidence in the coming success of my stew!

The countdown began. Knowing the stew would need four or five hours to cook thoroughly I returned to my daily regime. With the passing of each hour I became more and more consumed with the outcome of my mystery creation. Just a few hours ago I would of assuredly hosted Gordon Ramsay or Rachel Ray while carelessly tossing the sweet potatoes into the pot. Now, I was doing a mental addition of how many pesos were simmering away in that pot that was going to find its home in the rubbish bin. 

I chose to stick it out thinking I would have time to run down to René’s and grab some freshly made tacos for everyone if indeed my fears foretold the future. I returned to my room processing through the unfortunate reality that was indeed unfolding and a little while later it dawned on me. This isn’t the first time. And this isn’t about dinner.

It’s about expectations. It’s about the thread that runs through me from the superficial and mundane to the important and glorious aspects of life. It’s that first domino that triggers all the others. Its the trip wire that’s ensures success. It’s not new to me, but rather is being continually revealed to me in different dimensions. Each time I'm flabbergasted of how complex and ugly it is. It’s like a cancer. Committed to running its course through to completion.... kinda like this, but in a much more dreary fashion.

You see I expect myself to succeed. Even if it’s something that I have no education or experience in; it doesn’t matter. I must succeed. And that's it. I MUST. This is the underlying motivation. Its not that I give a damn about being the Paula dean protégé. It’s that I must succeed. I must take home the trophy at the end of the day. My livelihood depends on it. And you’re right; in this case I wouldn’t have starved. René would have bailed me out with his amazing cooking, but my emotional livelihood would have suffered.

I guess in the end its not about expectations at all. It’s about values. It’s about value. We are motivated by what delivers us what we all crave at our very core, value. To be of immense value and worth. And we will go to any length to get it. I am going to great lengths to get it. And I'm paying a very high price. A very costly price. In fact, when running on the treadmill of success I'll never rack up enough trophies, awards, points or pesos to cover that price.

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Now that I'm settling into the Land of Liminality, the mysterious space signifying this "divine purification" process that I find myself in, I am coming to experience the unraveling that I and many others predicted. I anticipated it taking more than three weeks to kick in but nevertheless here we are. Here I am.

The questions relating to identity have been rising to the surface. I was experiencing what Phileena Heuertz describes (in her book "Pilgrimage of a Soul") as "making a gradual descent of the soul". I thought quietly to myself, "Ut-oh, that doesn't sound so good". As I continued to read Phileena's words describing her entrance into the third phase of pilgrimage I felt as though she was whispering me a word of caution as I wasn't far behind.

What a gift those are who have journeyed before us and have left behind little notes of encouragement and nuggets of wisdom as we follow in their footsteps. Soon I too would be immersed in the darkness that this pilgrim once experienced. As Americans, citizens of comfort and safety, our natural inclination is to brace ourselves and do everything in our power to maneuver around the pain we know is headed our way. To alter our course in hopes of avoiding the eye of the storm. But that is the point of pilgrimage. It is also the crux of the Christian faith.

The old self must die. Sometimes we enter into this "paschal pattern" willingly as in pilgrimage and liminality; other times it is thrust upon us without warning. Either way the old self must be shed and it is only possible through death. It's as Elizabeth Gilbert says, "Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.” Phileena went on to share, "Darkness came in waves. I couldn't avoid or go around (it). I had to pace myself and go through it. We can't skip over or outrun darkness; neither can we hide from it in the busyness of life or in a time of extended rest".

And so I find myself heeding Phileena's advice and those who have gone before us both. I'm not going to turn and run the other direction or brace myself for total destruction but I'm going to accept the invitation to sit...to wait...to trust... and to endure. Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, Jesuit mystic & paleontologist, encourages me along with other pilgrims on the cusp of darkness to do the same.

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.

We are quite naturally impatient in everything to reach the end without delay.

We should like to skip the intermediate stages.

We are impatient of being on the way to something unknown, something new.

And yet it is the law of all progress that is made by passing through

some stages of instability--and that it may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you. Your ideas mature gradually--let them grow,

let them shape themselves without undue haste. Don't try to force them on,

as though you could be today what time

(that is to say, grace and circumstances acting on your own good will)

will make of you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit gradually forming within you will be.

Give Our Lord the benefit of believing that his hand is leading you,

and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete.

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My spiritual director sent me this last week. It's Saint Romuald's Rule. It's a brief rule that finds its origins in the writings of Saint Bruno of Querfurt and appeared on the scene around 1006 AD. It reads as follows:

Sit in your cell as in paradise. Put the whole world behind you and forget it. Watch your thoughts like a good fisherman watching for fish. The path you must follow is in the Psalms—never leave it.

If you have just come to the monastery, and in spite of your good will you cannot accomplish what you want, take every opportunity you can to sing the Psalms in your heart and to understand them with your mind.

And if your mind wanders as you read, do not give up; hurry back and apply your mind to the words once more. Realize above all that you are in God’s presence, and stand there with the attitude of one who stands before the emperor.

Empty yourself completely and sit waiting, content with the grace of God, like the chick who tastes nothing and eats nothing but what his mother brings him.

This is the rule that I will be following throughout the coming months. After my initial reading of the text I felt prompted to read it again in search of something tangible. I read and I re-read...and I read the passage some more. The only tangible thing that emerged to me was the initial command that I grabbed a hold of quite simply: Sit in your cell. So, I did what any good directee would do. I emailed my spiritual director.

And so, with a little more (tangible) guidance I landed on a more specific expression that I could embrace. Some of these have I've been practicing for a while, others are new additions.

The daily office, or more commonly referred to as fixed-hour prayer. The liturgy of the hours is one of the oldest traditions of the Christian faith and gives way to sanctifying our day while praying with the other "unseen but present" members of the church. The next is the liturgy of the Eucharist; which is celebrated in community for the purpose of partaking in the remembrance of Jesus as the source and sustenance of all things, including His church.

Lectio Divina (divine reading), the ancient practice of praying the scriptures. It's a four-fold process of reading, reflecting, responding, and resting in the Word of God. Then there is the activity that we are all familiar with; work (which has been embedded in God's design since the creation of man). The Camaldolese Benedictine's give work the following definition. "Work does not define who we are but rather gives expression in an incarnational way to who we are as well as mysteriously expanding our very being in God". Neil Anderson affirms this stance by stating, "It is not what we do that determines who we are; it is who we are that determines what we do". This is a truth I am just coming to realize and walk in.

And finally the observances of silence and solitude, which are being supported by my community, that is present physically with me here in Tijuana and the others (who are scattered around the States & Germany) who are spiritually present by way of prayer (and sometimes skype).

Being just three weeks in my community here can attest to the fact that I've successfully mastered the initial command. Aldis, my new Latvian friend and fellow sojourner will routinely knock on my door after he's finished his day's work asking, "Crist-e-knee, did you come out of your room today and see the sky and enjoy the sunshine?” This is the same gentleman who asked me after a few short weeks, "Do you know how to cook?" to which I replied, "Of course, why do you ask?” He went on to say, "you are always eating dinner at Rene's taco stand every night. I assumed you must not know how to cook." To which I responded, "Oh...no, that's just how dedicated I am to my cultural and language acquisition".

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This past weekend a good friend of mine came down to spend the weekend. She carved out some space in her schedule to rest her body and renew her mind and soul as well as catch up on how God has been moving in my life over the last month or so. We had a great time. We went to the most amazing movie theater (which I will refrain from sharing details as there isn't anything like it in the States), had dinner at a great sushi restaurant (yep, in downtown Tijuana and yes the waiters were Japanese and spoke to us in Spanish), went to my favorite breakfast spot, and then ventured down to my favorite coffee shop (in the whole world-at least of the places I've visited). It was great!

We sat inside the coffee shop for hours just reading and talking then reading some more then interrupting one another to share the latest thing one of us had just highlighted in our books. It's funny not only do we share the same name and correct spelling but odd little habits like refusing to read without a pen in hand to make notes in the margins and sleeping with our laptops (shhh...that last one's a secret). Then we listened to the waves crashing on the shore in between musicians venturing in off the beach to play the bongos or sit down at the piano. It was beautiful.

With dust soon approaching we packed up our things and began to head up to our vehicle. Plotting out our path in hopes of avoiding the puddles left behind from that afternoon's rainfall we quickly found ourselves more distracted by the steps than our surroundings. Suddenly, I became aware of something blocking our path. As my eyes lifted and the obstacle coming into focus I stopped dead in my tracks as did Cristin. Everything happened so quickly. There we were face to face with two young boys holding a gun right at us. They looked at us. We looked at them. Almost instantaneously the boy holding the gun cracked a smile and pulled the trigger. We stood there in shock....that the water inside his orange and green squirt gun didn't even make it to our boots! Almost in unison the four of us laughed and went on our merry little ways.

Although I can't call this lesson #1 it has to be among the first 20 of what God has been teaching me since my time began here in México. Life is unpredictable and uncontrollable. Some days we are caught off guard by drama or crisis or maybe just the illusion of such. Other days we are interrupted by beauty and bliss that we didn't plan and couldn't have constructed if we tried. With the arrival of each new day we are all extended the same invitation: to choose life and to choose to experience the fullness and abundance of that life. So, even though I had hoped to write a super-spiritual first blog post from the land of liminality this will have to do. But then again, for a type A, achievement oriented, go-go-go'er this is a very spiritual story!

Footnote: Rachel Risner, I named this post for you. And, I listened to Nas while editing it. 

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After finally answering the first question, “Where am I going?” I’ve been plagued in attempt to formulate a response to the second question; “Why are you moving to Mexico?” I start to respond and then I stop myself. I start over again and still…nothing comes out. “The cat’s got your tongue” couldn’t be a more appropriate assessment. Frustrated with my inability to answer I entered into serious reflection, and eventually it came to me. I was trying to answer the question of "why” I’m moving with an explanation of "what” I’ll be doing there.

As a healthy, or maybe unhealthy, American Christian leader I felt compelled to justify my move with a list of tasks and projects that will be carried out and completed during my time away. This speaks not only to my own metric system, but the metric system used in the church and in our society as a whole. In the land of success, we have this skewed notion that movement, and in particular busyness, leads to productivity and even to transformation. Now, don't get me wrong, as a leader and entrepreneur I believe strongly in the essentiality of metrics and accountability, but I do think we ought to start measuring something other than movement and action.

So, for now I'm going to save that question of "What will you be doing?" and "How are you going to measure success?" and focus for now on WHY I'm going.

It just so happens that I've known the answer to the "why" question for a couple months now. In October a fellow sojourner and I went away on a solitude retreat and this was the passage that God used to direct our time that day. It's an excerpt from the writings of the Prophet Isaiah.

"Come, everyone who thirsts, come to the waters; and he who has no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without price. Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread, and your labor for that which does not satisfy? Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good, and delight yourselves in rich food. Incline your ear, and come to me; hear, that your soul may live; and I will make with you an everlasting covenant, my steadfast, sure love forDavid. Behold, I made him a witness to the peoples, a leader and commander for the peoples. Behold, you shall call a nation that you do not know, anda nation that did not know you shall run to you, because of the LORD your God, and of the Holy One of Israel, for he has glorified you. Seek the LORD while he may be found; call upon him while he is near".

I've spent the last few years working with my home church in developing a spiritual formation roadmap that would act as a pathway to send out workers to "the field". In the past that language would cause many to assume that I served as the Global Outreach Director developing a sending strategy for "missionaries" to go overseas. However, that was not my role and not what I spent my time doing. You see, in today's global village this type of work is on the brink of extinction. In fact, the local church is faced with far different issues. They are faced with the task of remaining relevant to the society around it, breaking out of the sub-cultural box it has been confined to, and equipping their members to incarnate their faith in all dimensions of their lives, especially in their workplace and neighborhoods.

You see the purpose in developing this spiritual formation pathway was so that followers of Jesus could journey in community for the sake of discovering God's redemptive plan for all creation, while uncovering their unique role in the body of Christ, discerning together where they can strategically displace themselves amongst a specific people group.

Many of you still might label this work as “global missions” or “global outreach” when I use the words “nations” or “people groups” when in fact we live in an age of globalization that has made those terms obsolete. Another reason why we tend to revert back to those associations is largely due to our unbeknownst diagnosis of people-blindness in America. We see humanity based upon the country that issued their passport and not their ethnic identity. Did you know that in the United States alone there are 365 distinct people groups? Ok, I know that was a rabbit hole. I felt compelled to chase that rabbit. Back to the point.

The point is training and releasing disciples. Not professional pastors or seminary grads, but you and me, “a chosen people and a royal priesthood” who have been given the ministry of reconciliation. This journey looks different for everyone, but the commonality between all is that there is a time of training and preparation. If we flip through the pages of the Old Testament we see that the Jews spent extensive time in this incubation phase. Then as we flip to the New Testament the gospel of Luke makes it evident in his writings that there was a specific day in which Jesus began his ministry. This is the same for us today as "followers of the Way".

The last several years I too have been on this journey of training and preparation. As time has passed different members of my community have been received and released and I've been met by different guides along the way. This next phase in my training and preparation not only involves a change of scenery, but an entirely new set of questions.

You see, I'm not "going" to Mexico to make disciples. In fact, Mexico is doing a better job of discipling its people than America. You actually have over twice the opportunity to hear the gospel message in Mexico than you do in America. I'm "coming" to Mexico to be "made into a witness to the peoples". This is a continuation of my incubation period, a time that will be characterized by dwelling, discovering, discerning, and delighting.

Given Christ's command to us, “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you.” I don't believe any of us have permission NOT to ask these questions. I don't believe we get to "stay" where we are by default. Someone once said, "only those willing to go have a right to stay". At some point these questions have to be asked of us all, for me this time begins in January.

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With the recent announcement of me renting out my house and packing my things I've been flooded with one question. Where are you going? I've spent the last few months avoiding that question for several reasons. First, because when I made the decision to rent out my house I had no idea. I hadn't been planning or striving for anything other than freedom so I hadn't even made space to consider what I would do with that freedom once it was a reality. Then with the realization of my new found freedom I realized I not only "could" but "should" ask the question; where could I go? This question marked the beginning of what has been a three-month long process of discernment with my community. And this is what has emerged.

I am moving out of the country.

Were you expecting that? Neither was I.

Here’s the catch. I'm moving out of the country but not across the world. I'm heading south for the winter to Baja California. 99 miles to be exact. That’s right, ill be living in Tijuana, México.

I'm sure most of you are familiar with my soon to be host country and community. It’s most commonly known for the recent drug wars in years past, a major hub for human trafficking, and of course delicious tacos.

A few things that you might not know about my soon to be home is that prior to the Mexican-American War we (current residents of California, Nevada, Arizona, Utah, western Colorado, and southwest Wyoming) were Mexicans, this land and its inhabitants were apart of Alta California which was a territory of Mexico. In fact, the first mission in Alta California was founded in nearby San Diego, which was located in a place formerly known as the Tijuana Valley.

Ranchers once populated the land until the economic landscape began to shift and urban settlement began in 1889. From this new beginning Tijuana saw its future in tourism and it became the destination of choice for guess who? Americans! American nationals (that’s us) came in droves especially throughout the prohibition to take advantage of the legal watering holes and gambling halls.

In 1928, the Agua Caliente Touristic Complex opened. The property boasted a hotel, spa, dog-track, private airport, golf course, casino, and racetrack. The place was legendary. This was where Hollywood starlets and notorious gangsters came to play. It was in Tijuana that Rita Hayworth was discovered and the world famous Cesar Salad was invented.

Today, Tijuana is the industrial and financial center of Mexico as well as an important cultural center. "La linea" is the most crossed boarded in the entire world with 50 million people crossing between Mexico and the United States every single year and this metropolitan area is the place that over 1.7 million people call home. In just a few short weeks I will be one of the 50 million crossing over "the line" from San Diego into Tijuana; taking up residence with my new neighbors, teachers, and friends.

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A friend of mine turned me onto Spotify. It is because of this friend that I know good music. Since he drags and drops new stuff into my inbox every so often I never have to go searching for buried treasure. I was paroozing through my inbox today and came across the batman soundtrack that was composed by Hans Zimmer. And as I was going about my work there was one song that stopped me dead in my tracks.

Eptesicus.

Now, I know absolutely nothing about the music industry. But I do know this; this song is captivating. The introduction is subtle and unfolds slowly. It moves you forward with intrigue into the unknown. You finally land in a place of sweetness and then the music sweeps you into a deep eeriness in which it begins to build with great strength. And then, you feel the intensity of the battle in full force, which slowly vanishes like the wind.

The song ended and there I remained, perplexed; caught off guard that a song, a piece of art, just lifted me out of my humdrum reality and transported me elsewhere. To where I don’t quite know, but it moved me into a state of reflection. A little while later I read this statement from a book written by Sabrina ward Harrison. "Art isn’t meant to be pretty. It’s meant to evoke". Art is meant to evoke.

Art is defined as the visual expression of human skill and imagination resulting in works to be appreciated for their beauty or emotional power. A song, painting, sculpture, or even a story. Our lives are meant to be an artistic expression. A visual story that unfolds before all of humanity drawing them to our beauty and evoking in them a righteous fury and passion.

Somehow, very few seem to tap into this realty. Most of us go about life ignoring this reality and rejecting this invitation. We are drowning in a sea of delusion, giving way to the lies of living nothing more than ordinary lives and find ourselves enveloped by the crashing waves of worthlessness.

Some might say the answer to this dilemma is to stop and smell the roses. To reorient your life around the little things that will bring you joy and little memories you can sprinkle with glitter and tuck away behind plastic page protectors. I, on the other hand would argue that the answer can be found in the midst of silence. Only in the absence of white noise can our ears begin to hear the small and distant sounds of the drums or the strings playing in the background. Only in the midst of silence are we made aware of the unique rhythm that was designed for our lives and shifts with every breath we take.

Indeed, we must affix our ears to the soundtrack of our lives so that we might seize the opportunity of getting caught up in this grand narrative. A narrative that not only grants our hearts satisfaction and joy; but one that emerges as a true expression of art, an invitation to respond to the emotional stirring evoked by this work's beauty. The practice of being enveloped by this grand narrative is the art of intentional living. And the art of intentional living begins with intentional listening. Listening through the layers of distraction and delusion for your song that’s playing at this very moment.

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I find myself stuck. I've written and rewritten three different blog posts for today...well, technically yesterday...and I've got nothin'. I'm ready to shut down my computer and have my mother write a note excusing me from participating in the remaining 28 days of #novemberblogfest.

It’s funny really. The very strength that won’t let me back out of this commitment is the same weakness that won't let me click "publish". This is the double-edge sword of my achiever that I battle every single second of the day. Since I'm wired to obtain my definition of success I have no choice but to sit here until I have completed something I am "satisfied" with sharing with you all. Even though I have to be up in 5 hours...here I will remain.

I feel anxious inside. I feel as though I have so much to say and have no idea where to begin. It's almost as though I feel trapped between the present and my previous reality. And trapped isn’t even a good word. It’s more like I'm rooted in disbelief. A good disbelief. A state of shock and surprise.

The previous season of my life could be summed up in two words: transition and urgency. And now I find my life best described as a state of transition and mystery. That’s what it is really...mystery. I'm in the land of the mysterious and the unknown. The land of possibility. I imagine this must have been how Alice felt when she first stepped through that looking glass. A bit discombobulated but overwhelmed with curiosity of what lies instore.

It’s terrifying actually. Exciting, but terrifying. This post will probably end up being the most ambiguous piece I ever write simply because I don’t possess the ability to adequately describe my current state of mind. We live in a world that moves so quickly. I'm finding it more and more difficult to find the time I need and want in order to digest all that is going on around me and transpiring isnide me. As I'm typing I keep seeing a picture of a girl standing in between the train tracks with trains soaring past her. Her hair is being tossed in the wind and she can barely hear herself think.

When I was blogging consistently I had cultivated the discipline to capture my thoughts in the midst of trains coming in and out of the yard of everyday life. I was able to process through the motion of the day and decipher the emotion that emerged because of it. And now, I find myself a bit sluggish. Unable to navigate through the complexities of an ever-changing life in such a fast paced world. I'm days, weeks, and months behind dissecting and connecting everything. And so desperately need the space to reflect and write. Blogging has always been my forum for practicing the prayer of examen.

So, I have nothing deep or profound to share tonight, or should I say this morning. I guess since everyone else is still sleeping this post still counts as #2. Right?! If I'm still 2 for 2 then I can press publish, shut down my computer and get some sleep. Its funny, getting to the end of this post has some how melted away the anxiety I felt when I began. Evidence I think about how valuable this practice is for me. In fact, this next month is going to be spent sitting in this tension night after night; steeped in the mysterious space I find myself in while attempting to re-cultivate my rhythm of examen prayer.

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http://www.ted.com/talks/patricia_ryan_ideas_in_all_languages_not_just_englis...

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It appears as though the topic of the social gospel and its implications in spreading the good news of Jesus Christ, have re-emerged in recent years. Within this new re-emergence, the notion of “proclaiming the gospel in word and deed” and the interdependency of the two, appears to have experienced a disassociation from one another, creating an existence of independence from each other. Frankly, coming from the vantage point as one who has studied the Christian community development models over the years, I find this conversation fascinating. I ask myself, what do we do with the words of patron saint, St. Francis of Assisi who states, “preach the gospel at all times, when necessary use words”; or songwriter Keith Green who stated, “I’d rather have people hate me with the knowledge that I tried to save them”? Hhhmmm....What are we to do with this predicament? Which way is the right way, and what did Jesus command?

The Gospels record several different versions of Jesus' invitation to join Him in the work of the Father, i.e.  “Making disciples, proclaiming the good news, be my witnesses, preach repentance and forgiveness”, and finally He says, "I am sending you as the Father has sent me".  In Luke, Jesus proclaims, "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because He has anointed me to proclaim the good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and the recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed”. These same words were written and recorded by the prophet Isaiah, some 700 years before Jesus came on the scene.

So, why is there so much confusion in the meaning of “sharing the gospel”? How do we reconcile definitions within the mandate… to “proclaim the good news”? And finely, how does social justice, advocacy, evangelism, and baptism fit within the confines of this definition?

I believe it’s important to understand that sharing the gospel or Christian witness, isn’t exhibited by words alone. To proclaim means: to announce officially or publicly, to declare something with emphasis, to demonstrate clearly. The word “witness” means: to give or serve as evidence of, to testify, to have knowledge of something from a personal experience, to see. The word “make” means: to form or fashion something, to put parts together or combine substances, to construct, create, to bring about. To send means: to cause to go or be taken to a particular destination, to order to go in a particular direction, to cause to move, to propel, and to arrange for one's departure. When we read the words of Jesus, “Make disciples” and “I am sending you”, we clearly see there is a direct correlation of word and deed.

The aforementioned definitions require our entire being, beyond ourselves, to fulfill these commands. To truly provoke another to move, simply cannot be done through instruction. To testify that something is good, right, or true requires evidence beyond words! No matter who indorses a product, we need to experience the evidence of the claims before we believe the endorsee.  I believe the only account that we have of something coming into existence, based upon words alone, is the creation of the Universe. Other than that, I do not put credence in man’s conjecture of things without evidence.

Are we to truly able to bear witness to an uncontainable God? Are we able to expound as to His goodness and His glory? There are limitations to our human ability to proclaim the gospel and disciple the nations. We play a role, and part of that role is submitting to the power and work of the Holy Spirit to make known and reveal these things to humanity. Clearly, this not to give permission to do the bare minimum, but to have discernment an awareness as to what the Spirit of God is doing in our midst, and in the lives of those we are investing in.  We must continue to walk forward, together endorsing the truth of Jesus Christ and making disciples with the Holy Spirit, even when we are not present, speaking, or serving.

To endorse means to back, be in favor of, champion, affirm. We live in a world where you can indorse any product and seemingly without requirements. The product or service doesn't have to work, you don't have to use it, and you don't have to know a thing about it. Conversely, in the Kingdom we are actually given requirements as to who can indorse Jesus. Jesus extended permission to those who knew Him, to those who had experienced the freedom He came to offer and to those who walked in His ways. Those who had experienced the true and Living God were transformed and made new by Jesus.

My fear is that the reason we cannot reconcile these two severed definitions of sharing the gospel is because we have a fragmented understanding of the gospel itself. We have compartmentalized the full meaning in such a way that limits God's power and purpose to the extension of eternal life to mankind and nothing more. The gospel has been reduced down to a courtroom transaction. When we die, we appear for our day in court, and Jesus declares, "They are innocent". The bailiff unlocks our cuffs and we are free to go play in the fluffy white clouds with the naked babies. What is that?! That may be part of the gospel, but it’s not all of it. I believe we must go back and retrace the scriptures in hopes of uncovering the depth, breadth, and fullness of what Jesus died on the cross for.

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At World Vision we define development as the process of bringing about positive change in the entirety of the human life; materially, spiritually, and socially. 

And we add transformation to that is because change doesn’t happen on its own. Right? Change involves making choices. And the reality is we have an adversary working against us to prevent this transformation and whose desire is to see us remain in bondage. As well as the Holy Spirit living inside of us whose working to bring about our healing and restoration in as well as work through us to bless the rest of the world.

To understand what this model seeks to achieve is to understand the concept of shalom. Shalom, the Hebrew word meaning peace or wholeness. And I love using Nicholas Wolterstorff’s definition. He insists that shalom is much more than peace it’s the absence of strife. He goes on to say that it’s a relational concept of dwelling at peace with God, self, others, and with nature or our environment. It incorporates the ideas of justice, harmony, and enjoyment. It’s the essence of a just relationship, both living justly and experiencing justice. It's about working towards seeing creation restored to its intended glory. And so this is the understanding that guides our relationship with orphans and the poor around the world.

Let me give you a picture of how we express these three components of transformational development. The first element is how we share the gospel in the physical or material. We call these the 5 fingers of development: water, food, health, education, and economic enterprise. Were going after the key contributing factors to poverty. These are the key contributors or root causes among orphans and that continue to fuel the cycle of poverty. For us this is a great opportunity for us to share the gospel in deed. Manifesting our faith to the fatherless. Exhibiting the love of our heavenly father in real and tangible ways. I believe we have this beautiful model in Jesus who entered the physical world to reveal himself and his love to all humanity. The scriptures say, the word became flesh and dwelt among us. 

We have to keep in mind just how crucial this component is. Especially considering the fact that our work is amongst individuals who have a more holistic worldview than we do here in the West. Here we have severed view of the physical and the spiritual realm and live in a society that tells us that the two are unrelated. We see this in the separation of church and state and unfortunately in America we've seen the church buy into the lies that the church is to solely be about "spiritual matters" and relinquish enforcing social justice to the public square. But this is not the case in most cultures around the world where we work. They have a keen understanding of the connection of the seen world to the unseen world. And when clean water comes to a community and healing is taking place it’s a natural response for these people groups to ascribe these "miracles" to witchcraft or different gods. And for this reason we have to be very intentional about articulating the source of this power. Articulating the source is Jesus Christ. 

And finally the third component. Social change. When we dilute the gospel to a notion of personal salvation and nothing more we’ve taken away the hope of Christ transformation our governments and social structures. Which is why in addition to working at a grassroots community level we spend a lot of time creating inroads with the governments and institutions that govern the land. This is the work that requires perseverance and determination. It's the next layer of seeking justice on behalf of the poor. 

And so when we talk about church engagement and the role of the church we have to look from a global perspective. We have to understand the solution lies within the global church, not just the American church. And this is the role of World Vision to bridge the churches and provide expertise and support to the local church. This allows us as the American Church to empower the indigenous church to care for the orphans and the poor in their country starting at the community level and then facilitates our posture to pour into the lives of orphans and the poor in our own communities.

As this partnership is established it releases the blessing of Isaiah 58 where not only are the poor being cared for but we having a dignified exchange-taking place. An exchange of transformation and renewal. Both in our lives as individuals and in our communities...here and abroad. This is the beauty of a partnership with World Vision. It's a sustainible and reproducible approach to orphan care. It's an opportunity to care for orphans while extending God's rule, reign, and authority to the nations.

Extended version of a conversation on transformational development at !deacamp//#icorphan//nwa.

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Budget. What is a budget? Wikipedia defines a budget as a list of all planned expenses and revenues. It is a plan for saving and spending.  A budget is an important concept in microeconomics, which uses a budget line to illustrate the trade-offs between two or more goods. In other terms, a budget is an organizational plan stated in monetary terms.

Why do we use a budget? Most say that we use a budget to provide a forecast of income and expenditures to construct a model that if followed will allow us to achieve our financial goals. We use it as a progress report to let us know how close we are to obtaining that dream or goal. Whether it is to buy a home or a rental property, for our annual vacation, or for a new boat. I think most would agree that a budget enables us to steward the fruit of our labor in such a way that brings about our dreams and desires.

So, if this is the purpose of budgeting why doesn't it work? Why do we have millions of Americans who bought their dreams on credit? Why do we have millions of people who can't even get to an arena of dreaming because they are simply trying to survive month to month? If a budget is suppose to be a stewardship tool to bring about blessing and the abundant life why are so many so far away?

This very reason that I believe budgets don't work. For years I've seen my clients bang their head against the wall saying that they set out to follow a budget but they could never stick with it. Most have said that it’s too depressing because they could never stick within their budget. Others have done away with the budget all together and used lines of credit and credit cards to act as additional income to cook their own books giving the allusion that their expenditures are confined to the resources they have available. I know others who have decided to do away with the budget all together simply because of the immediate state of depression they would enter into at the click of a button.

Now I understand that there are two types of people. One, as described above and the other doesn't keep a budget simply because they aren't interested. They've always had enough money to pay their bills and live the life they want to live and see no need to confine or track their expenditures. I get it. I was once this person. It wasn't until after I started my own business that I realized that that decision had changed the trajectory of my financial status. I entered into a season, a very long season of life where it was essential for me to track the comings and goings of those greenbacks.

I was about a month into this budget-thing and had come to the same conclusion my clients came to. This whole budgeting thing was depressing! I think it would have been more beneficial to spend my time coming up with a plan to rob a bank than the time I invested trying to configure a method that successfully tracked and controlled my spending and savings habits. Not only did I wrestle with coming up with all those little categories; but setting aside time to input the data and the list goes on and on.

Not long into this process I was fed-up. Nothing worked. I found myself depressed at the fact that I would never be able to help my clients since I obviously couldn't even help myself. There was no hope. I was doomed to repeat my financial failures month after month; and the only way out that I could possibly see was to work harder. Work harder so that I could regain my previous financial status where I could not only survive but thrive. After coming back down to Earth I realized I was already working over 70 hours a week and if I pushed myself any harder I wouldn't have anything left to give. So, in my despair I sat.

I remember it all so clearly. It was December 2009. To me, this was a moral dilemma. If I couldn't harness my own spending and submit myself to a budget then how could I sit in front of my clients with any integrity and advise them on stewarding their possessions?! Even though my counsel always stayed within the arena of asset protection, preservation, and procurement and outside the arena of budgeting I still saw it under the umbrella of stewardship. This was an issue of integrity. So, as I did what all good Christians do. After coming to the end of my rope. Exhausted of my own ability to fix my situation I decided to ask God to intervene. And so I ranted and raved and asked God how He was planning on using me to assist my clients in this matter when I was incapable of providing assistance to myself. And I went on and on. When I finally settled down and quieted myself he spoke.  I remember hearing Him say, "Cristin, you know how to do this. You just do it in a different context. You have been stuck translating this into financial language".

This response left me dumbfounded. The only other context I served in was mobilizing the church to steward their talents for the purpose of serving the poor. I lead our church in uncovering the difference between physical and spiritual poverty and encouraged them to invest their time and talent into serving the physically poor so that they could grow in spiritual richness. For the purpose of both parties emerging on the other side of poverty.

And so I sat. Contemplating what the heck that meant. How I was suppose to translate that to myself and my clients. And then my mind became clear. The dots began to connect. Asset Based Community Development. Asset Based Financial Planning. Gifts and strengths. Money and resources. God's redemptive plan for humanity. Our role in His plan. Our responsibility to fight for the Cause of Christ. The spiritual battle that begins when we pick up our swords.

My lense for budgeting was too narrow. I had missed the point. The goal was too small. The mission wasn't to be under budget or to hit the savings goal. The disconnect was that just like our time and talent all of our treasure was to be contributed to the advancement of His Kingdom. And my "budget" was unable to capture any of this. I was using the tracking devise the wrong way. I was using it as a barometer to check my financial temperature each month. Instead what I needed was a gauge that measured by spiritual temperature.

I was tracking "where" I spent my money, which produced a progress report of pass or fail. When you track expenditures that way of course you are going to be left with nothing more than an accounting log. And at that point there's nothing more to say than, "Oops. Hope I do better next month". So I shifted the metrics of my tracking system and my budget was able to tell me "why" I spent my money. And that changed EVERYTHING! I was now seeing beyond where I spent money to why I was spending my money at those places. After that I began to see PATTERNS. Patterns emerged everywhere. The trigger wire that had been lying under the sand all these years that was causing me to stumble and fall was finally brought to surface. As I began to look even more closely I began to see the behavioral patterns that extended outside of the financial arena and into everyday life. It was as if I picked up a wire that was the very thread that ran through every component of my life. The thread that leads to relational conflict and financial strife was one and the same.

Flabbergasted by this discovery I was suddenly propelled into a state of excitement and curiosity. My ostrich syndrome of wanting to keep my head buried in the sand of ignorance had been cured. I was now filled with hope. And this hope fueled my pursuit of seeing this new budgetary devise or spiritual formation tool utilized to unlock the chains of my financial bondage. Could this tool actually equip me to combat Satan and sin from further torment and contribute to my release?

I'm overjoyed to share with you that my hope became a reality. In fact, I've been using this new budget to take my spiritual temperature for the past year now and you would not believe the freedom it was brought to my life. What's more is this tool has moved beyond the ability to identify the sins and vices that Satan is using to manipulate and torment to being able to guard and fight against them. In my own life I've been able to isolate the vices of "self-control" (which is a warped spin of self-control of the lack thereof) and my signature sin of "the need to succeed". These were core elements that were restricted me access from living a life of peace and experiencing healing. And I don't mean to tell you that these things have been obliterated from my life; but rather they have been put in their place. I know in what forms they come to attack and I know how to stand against and defeat them now. And if I were to show you my "budget" and reports from the past 12 months you can actually see the growth and transformation in my life. You can see my deliverance from financial bondage.

And now I find myself with my integrity intact. Able to sit with my clients and testify to them of the healing and transformation that has taken place in my life. Able to share with them that they don't have to live like this any longer. That there is hope. If we can take just one step back and see the bigger picture we can find clarity. This is the reason why the first conversation I have with my clients is about God's story. Do you see the redemptive work God has been doing since Genesis and will continue to do until Revelation? Once they see that thread then we can move into a place of uncovering our responsibilities as a steward. As a steward of the money and possessions God has granted us to use to bring about His purposes. With those two pieces in place we now have eyes to see and the spiritual climate. This part is crucial. If we are in disbelief that there is no war afoot and that there isn't a battle for the lives of humanity we will miss the reality of the presence of Satan and sin in our lives, and especially in America, in our finances. My clients can attest if you get this far you better prepare because you are on the threshold. The threshold of a spiritual battle. The threshold of being set free. The threshold of struggle. The threshold of healing. The threshold of pain. The threshold of peace.

May you come to the same conclusion Rob Bell did when his friend said, "You don't have to live like this". May you come to the same truth that I did when I heard Jesus say, "I came so that you would have life and have it abundantly". I pray that when you get to the end of yourself. When you decide to throw in the towel of trying to fix our own financial mess that you find yourself ready to receive the gift of freedom that Christ came to bestow upon you. I pray that the truth Christ's message in Luke 4:18 resonates deep within your soul. "He has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed."

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my favorite Kurdish song & music video.

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http://www.thejohnnycashproject.com/

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